To consume more, or let some go, that is the question. Although I am full, I cannot resist listening to an interesting person describe their life and times, to learn where they found meaning, to learn where they turned away from a thing not good, to understand where they claimed self agency and took on the power and responsibility for their own life.
I am all ears for the ways and means someone employs in order to eclipse evil influences, those influences that allow for someone else, or something else larger than the personal, to dictate reality. Its fascinating to hear how they grew up being given control, even as small children. They were not restricted by doctrines or walls. They read books in trees. They roamed freely along riverbanks. They made up their own minds as they roamed and climbed and explored their worlds. They have no cause for shame. They dont feel guilty about colluding with a thing too dark to discern, too awful to name. They speak freely. From experiences self-governing and adventurous as children, their brains formed along different circuits.
Im resting in a small country of good people. That they are kind and helpful cannot be denied. As a recovering cult member I dont trust how good they seem. Its unnerving, continually putting me on edge as I imagine their generous goodness may actually be real. Im resisting my suspicions, while remembering Abe Lincoln asserted that every altruistic act is only ever motivated in order to serve the self.
Growing up as human beings, our hosts are accustomed to being treated like human beings. If they arent treated well, if they are cornered, if they are misused, they have no inhibitions about righting themselves and the situation, and with a lot more grace and dignity than Musk with his advertisers. These good people extend their care and culture to others, who like me, need retraining. To an injured worker the boss says, you are not a dog! take care of yourself! I will make sure the insurance company pays!
There are monarch butterflies here. A local farmer informed us that the bush of small red-orange blossoms, where they are most often seen, is informing the monarchs that they have found a good home where they can thrive. The same plant, transplanted further north will inform the monarch similarly but the butterfly wont survive in higher latitudes. Source and information, the medium and the message become one, but in the wrong space and time can be misleading and unsafe.
Safety. Herein this impossible superstition lies the source of the worlds dysregulated madness. James Baldwin describes the working agenda of the White Empire, or the Global Elite if you prefer, as one driven by fear and loathing of the people. Us worthless eaters caught in the rich mens dream of safety that climaxes in genocide.
Jordan Peterson has spoken of what is occurring in the system of science nowadays, a system that no longer allows for failure. In our times, experiments must be designed for success or the researcher risks termination should their experiment fail. Following twenty first century science means stay safe, keep your job, dont risk losing your livelihood for the sake of real science.
Conversely, a tai chi master will instruct students to invest in loss. To invest in loss means to surrender your ego and work patiently towards understanding and ultimate mastery. I can easily make a case for my life in the cult as an experiment, an investment in loss that has resulted in an awful aching shame. However, there are gains to reap that could not have been had any other way.
Investing in loss is also a concept from Josh Waitzkins book, The Art of Learning. He explains that absorbing any new idea or technique requires you to go through a prolonged period of being bad at it before you become good at it. It’s where real learning happens, where real science works, experientially, and not merely conceptually. I think Dad called it the School of Hard Knocks, putting a whole different spin on the idea. I wonder how many more rockets Elon will watch self destruct before he gets to Mars? He may lack people skills when it comes to being the jefe, but hes not afraid to fuck up.
My eyes rest easy on the loveliness of nature here. My heart grows bigger hearing of the people who work to keep it lovely. I heard theres a pile of gold in the earth nearby but the country chooses to preserve the ecosystem above it rather than strip mine the land to source gold. Theres a message for the survival of the species.
Im here because I am ready to depart the land of the motorhead guru, to find a place like this one that is warm. In this place, there are no visual reminders everywhere of having been in something that was evil and that seduced my dark side into slavery. I would rather move away from those reminders in order to develop greater discernment and some healthy skepticism. I would rather not be reminded everywhere I turn of having fucked up. Im not Musk with the genius to engineer the future. Im not an egoless tai chi master, able to humbly yield to defeat. Im not a dog either. I simply have some conditioning to re-wire and like a recovering addict there are people, places and things that are best avoided.
Its clear that here is not my next place. There are safety issues. The people live behind walls and metal bars, electrified fencing and barbed wire. The walls become higher and the gates gigantic, the higher up the mountain I walk. The more one has to lose, the bigger and stronger the walls. Down in the city, its only metal gates and metal screens covering every window of every home and business. A shopkeeper buzzed me in to enter her convenience market. It looks like there is reason to be afraid here. It looks like everyone lives in a jail.
Been there already. Im ashamed to say it. My mind locked down under the rule of a bad jefe. I havent fully accepted how ashamed I am. A counsellor shows with his hands the framework I feel stuck inside. Theres no forgiveness and no compassion inside that small alleyway of awareness.
He opens the narrow space between his hands to include more space, a space of acceptance, a space sparkling with the positive changes I have made. A space with plenty of room for insight. It is a space empowered by the Truth that cannot be abused by any dark lord, cult leader, tech giant, world leader, or national health con artist.
Looking outside the narrow passageway of shame and self punishment, where I have troubled myself for the last two years, Im able to acknowledge the courage that has moved me along this far. There is a different kind of integrity in my relationship with truth. Its personal. It is self forming, and informs myself of where I am able to thrive. Best of all, Im free to speak about it.
In the open space beyond the cramped passageway of remorse, I am able to include way more than I ever would have known, had I stayed locked down in the motorheads cult. The counsellor assures me that in an expanded framework things can come into view that are analogous and collective, making me evermore aware of the similarities between a cult and what is occuring in society at large.
Outside the space of shame and blame there is much more to see, if only the ache of disgrace will yield to my embrace. Deeper wisdom is sure to arise in that embrace, more than I could have ever imagined, living blind in a cult.
Embracing shame, embracing disaster after a launch, or embracing defeat against an opponent, has great potential. Embracing shame may initiate true change and real learning. The grandiose reach for something ineffable might finally settle down.
Embracing what I least want to experience is the warriors way through.
Wonder Woman manifest.
My new super power.
I love Wonder Woman!!!
This resonates for me:
“There is a different kind of integrity in my relationship with truth. Its personal. It is self forming, and informs myself of where I am able to thrive. “
Thank you Jess!
Keep writing!
✨⭐️✨
Yes, it did go through, Sorry I'd just drank a double bromo selzer! What I really wanted to post is; "He whose self has become all existences, for he has the knowledge , how he shall be deluded, whence shall he have grief, is he who sees everywhere oneness." Isha Upanishad. Strategically located in Aurobindo's 'Life Divine.'