With such discoveries as her eyes can make
Beneath her in the bottom of the deep,
Sees many beauteous sights…
Yet often is perplexed and cannot part
The shadow from the substance…
W. Wordsworth
For ten long years I woke most mornings with a migraine, especially mornings after a meeting. One side of me was chronically afflicted by whatever the night had troubled me with, I knew not what. The other side seemed unperturbed. It was distinctly one sided pain, dividing me in two. An argument within that wouldnt be settled. Schizoid.
Your tendency is to go against yourself he said in one public conversation we had. Those were excruciating conversations for me, sitting front and centre with cameras on me, switching to him, and the dialogue between us watched by a large crowd, a conversation displayed on two large screens, left and right of the teacher. Giant conversations, highly charged with intensity and one pointed focus that somehow made it difficult to fully express what I was experiencing. Him looking down on me.
Hanuman (see previous post The Container) was given the magical power to change his body size. This was my personal experience of the teacher. The first time I saw him we passed by each other, eye to eye, as if he was my height. Ever afterwards he always loomed large and larger above me.
Isnt it true that we all have the ability to perceive what is weak in another person? To lesser or greater degrees, we see where someone we know, or even strangers, are limited in their way of being. More often than not, those perceptions are cared for in our understanding of each other. We recognize our humanness in seeing weakness in another. It warms us to each other in some ways, being able to relate to our shared vulnerabilities.
Much rarer is the person who, with a highly developed sense of spying weaknesses in people, is willing to expose them publicly, as well as to use those perceptions in order to create an addictive dependancy. Lacking any heart understanding, a keen insight can be used to ensnare someone in relationship, especially when that observation is handed down from on high from someone in an elevated position. Wow, how did he see that? Gosh, if he sees it, perhaps its true. Yes, now that he mentions it, I can certainly see that in myself. Follow that with self judgment that would keep me bound to him, until a day that never comes that I might rectify the unwieldy lameness. It wasnt in the game plan to mercifully raise people up out of their lameness but to keep them bound to him. The weaker is overpowered and controlled by the stronger. It seems an instinctual trait brought up out of the animal kingdom, always exacting tribute from weaker members of the herd.
When I look at the split, the one sided schizoid aspect of being in relationship with the teacher, it is difficult to see the beauteous. So far Ive only given you bathwater. Give me a chance.
He was beautiful. Actually the first time I saw him off stage I thought he was almost ugly. It was an endarkened room. More often he was well lit from all angles and in that radiance he looked stunningly beautiful. Over the years that changed. He aged. I sensed something else in him, overpowering him as he overpowered us.
In the beginning, I saw a beautiful baby in his face, serene and so open. I remember a dream I had years prior to meeting him. My dog was leading me up a mountain path to the summit. Arriving at the peak I found a circle of beings, more of light than substance, sitting self-possessed, cool and tranquil. It is the most memorable dream I have ever had and I revisit it easily. He reminded me of those beings, the embodiment of stillness and openness.
Peace be still and know, I am the Lord thy God. Sitting in meetings with that baby faced man, I would at times hear scriptures echoing in my head. Somehow the space surrounding him was alive with reference points to a higher knowledge or divinity, or at least the Bible. The sweetness of those moments embraced me with a deep and satisfying nurture. Now I wonder, was it the insight emanating from the dear ones who gathered around him? What influences did the seekers have on the space? What of their awareness and their wise understanding? It was absolutely significant. What else were we there for but to bathe in the heavenly realms of what we all knew of purity and grace? We were the waters for him to walk upon and we were the water to be turned into wine. We came to transcend our lameness and we became enslaved by it instead. More bathwater than living water it turns out.
If it doesnt nurture you, it isnt true. That was one of my most loved teachings. It was such a simple plumb line to use in all things. It was also easy to use when things occurred that were suspicious, things he told us to put on the shelf, using the very same language as Warren Jeffs of the Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey documentary. That Netflix episodic was titled after the motto used to keep women in line. You were meant to stay in control of your emotions and you didnt display things like anger or resentment or frustration. Copying that quote from AI, I wonder if that was the cause of my migraines. So much was ignored. Emotions were not cool. Anger was a gong show. If you were resentful you were a liar. Frustration or disappointment was absolutely uncalled for.
If it doesnt nurture you, it isnt true. It was the plumb line that finally turned me away from his culture, for it had become something other than that.
Ill tell you what. Once the bathwater is drained away, there will be a baby in all this. Im sure of it. Honestly, Im hesitant to share what sincerely moved me along my spiritual way when I was in the cult. I feel burnt having done so with him. Sharing my visions and realizations with him, I discovered they were immediately taken up and used from one moment to the next without much ado. He seemed so desperate for new material by the time I began to really see and know what I was seeing.
There was a meeting wherein my awareness traveled to the outer reaches of the universe and arriving there discovered that destination was inside of me, a point so intimate and remote all at once. It was one of the most penetrating experiences of my life. The next day he called a meeting and I was invited to join. It wasnt unheard of for me to be called but it was rare to be included in his inner circle lunches. He pressed and pressed and pressed and pressed to be told what everyone experienced in the meeting the night before. He cajoled. He was clever. He did his level best to draw out what we could give him about that meeting. I was silent. I wasnt going to give. I intuitively felt that my innermost vision would be used by him to fill in his lack.
After awhile, recognizing what he needed most, one of the outspoken and imaginative of us started making things up. She borrowed from YouTube science fiction channels. She created an outlandish story that was beyond belief, to answer what he was asking for. That is one way the whole culture began to distort and decay into a bizarre reality. His wanting sparked the desire to satisfy him. It didnt matter anymore if it was true.
"There was a meeting wherein my awareness traveled to the outer reaches of the universe and arriving there discovered that destination was inside of me, a point so intimate and remote all at once."
Such a jewel, baby!