Seeing a photograph of the courthouse hallway, people I have known for so many years, standing in waiting to attend his bail hearing. My heart broke in two distinct pieces. An underground stream of love for those ones, standing in waiting to stand behind him as he was facing criminal charges. They were my nearest and dearest comrades for decades in all things. Now they were only shadowy haunts on a digital post, only strangers to me now. One piece of my heart reached for them, longing to extend a helping hand to them, to release them from his spell.
Imagine the road traveled between moving from another part of the world in order to be with someone you believed to be an enlightened being? There was so much given up and away, and so much given to that supernatural being in the process. Imagine coming from that kind of investment in a person all the way to standing to wait in a courtroom hallway, on tender-hooks to discover what his bail conditions would be, to learn when you will see him again, feel his gaze and know the connection with him that transcends all mundane existence. As I said to an old friend, trying to help me out of the cult, it was like a drug being in his presence. Everything blurred and then disappeared completely in the blinding light and love for him and around him. So I know the place they are standing, so wound up and around another person, his every move having a corresponding movement inside ones self. Oneness of a pathological kind. Looking into the digital image, looking down that hallway and seeing them there, how I miss them! Their sincerity, loyalty, and guilelessness.
The other piece of my heart holds back, ashamed of what I know of them, ashamed of how well I know what they are in, and wanting to run from it all. What bird must fly and fly and fly never finding a place to alight, to rest, and to know the place in the world that they fill, that is their own?
Because the belief in the system is banged out day after day, like covid news, it is absolutely impossible to stand outside of the system. If a person is deeply embedded, one doesnt stop to wonder, maybe this is not what I thought it was. Because the belief in the system is pounded into every fiber of a persons body and being, it is unnaturally natural to normalize what could never be accepted outside the system. Brainwashing, a verb, make someone adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure. Mandate, noun, an official order to do something. To put an experimental product into our bodies for the sake of our neighbours is a bizarre twist on community care. To allow a sexual predator to run our lives is beyond bizarre, but being in it, the momentum of investment was in the drivers seat.
An unforgettable day. Walking toward his massive temple, the tall glass tower, a stone of green that swivelled on its base, a naturally formed portal opening through the middle of the sea green stone, the entry doors wide enough for giants. That day, I looked it all over and felt through and through a sense of vulnerability that I knew was his. Inside I took my place at a table with four or five others, all of them close knit and very close to him within the hierarchy. A friend at the next table leaned over and whispered in my ear, he is sleeping with women in the group. Rumours had been out and about for some time, but someone had finally gone public with what had been kept secret for years.
I spun around to look into the faces at my table, calm and undisturbed by the disclosure of the day. An impulse overcame me and I swept up a tall stand that held our table number and transformed it into a microphone, pointing it at each face and asking, Did you have sex with him, and Did you sleep with him, and Would you go to bed with him if he asked you??? There was no response, nothing moved in them. The answers stood out all over their still stone faces. Finally someone said, I dont like your game. Lets stop. I stopped and was awash with shame for weeks afterwards for reacting impulsively to news I did not like and did not want to believe. Yet, if I wanted to remain in the culture I had committed myself to, I would have to be okay with this woeful revelation, woeful because it was so damn cliché, and then suddenly, in an instant, it was my life.
Okay then, I would be okay with it. I would embrace the disclosure as another manifestation of his profound holiness. Had not ancient texts described the transmission of spiritual knowledge through carnal knowledge? Was that not my own relationship with sexuality, a sacred act to hold dear as a divine expression? How difficult is it really to let in that this was happening? It had been happening for a long time and engagement with the man and group members had been viable, purposeful, and there was no evidence that would change once this storm blew over.
Storms came and went with that guy, and afterwards there were no pieces anywhere to be found, to be picked up, cleaned up, or sorted through. Like fingerprints wiped from an abandoned car, everything disappeared and the only thing standing was his self-proclaimed purity and a new normal within our culture.
Theres a line from a David Whyte poem I cannot quite recall. It is about taking a first step, the step you most do not want to take. I dont want to be alone. I did not want to leave my friends, my beloved family, while I could not remain with someone who taught the value of goodness and used it to his advantage without regard for consequences. I do not understand the intention of engaging peoples trust so to get something for oneself. There may be a small breeze of compassion to set my sails toward in that. Perhaps that is the next step I dont want to take, to experience compassion for his foolhardiness and greed, his delusions of grandeur.
There is an awe-inspiring warrior in the fight to stop the spread of mRNA through our lives and blood. Dr. Aseem Malhotra, full of purpose and integrity, his brilliance and ethics given to truth bombing the world with stats that prove we have been duped into believing a narrative that is dangerous. Our belief in life as we have known it, what we have been brainwashed into believing, has not taken him. He sees above the lies, as many do, but like only a few, he is reaching out to break the spell of our times. His family is gone, my husband said, he is alone here, in service to what is true.
Though I am disavowed of a cult leader, I remain in the love of truth. Though I am removed from a culture of followers, I know I am not alone.
For more than two decades his sexual activities have come up as a periodic issue. It's a subject that just won't go away for a number of reasons.
I don't really care what he does sexually; it's none of my business. Just as my sexuality is none of his business. However, because of his position, he is particularly responsible for how he conducts himself, especially in an area where approximately 30% of women have felt mistreated in some way. Additionally, it can get instantly sticky because of who he is for people, and the effect he has on them. By that, I mean what he spiritually makes available to people and the kind of power that gives him in people's lives.
He is entirely responsible for that power and how he uses it. He is responsible for the potential it has in people. He is not responsible for what people do with what he says and does.
Of course, he knows all this and that it is an emotional minefield, and yet he has proceeded. This makes no sense to me. That's fine. It doesn't need to. This is his karma. He once said to me (slightly paraphrased) that in deeper levels of awareness, even unwitting mistakes come with a high cost. As I said, he knows all this.
As for me...I paid huge personal costs for my education and development with him, and it was worth it. I have changed the fabric of my being here and forever. So I am holding close what I am and continuing to know and leaving behind anything that is unworkable, unsavory, or untrue. Love to you all.
I'm with you!